(TRIGGER WARNING: References to domestic abuse)
Dear Editor,
Gaslighting is a psychological weapon used by abusers to maintain power. The term was coined from a 1944 movie, Gaslight, where a man manipulates his wife to the point where she starts to question her own sanity. The husband does a number of things such as hiding her belongings, moving things around the home, dimming the gas light…and then denies that these things are actually occurring. He convinces her that it is all in her head. He then isolates her from the world for her “own safety”.
Women who have been, or are in, abusive/toxic relationships, will find all of this very familiar. Abuse is not only the physical. Typically before the violence gets physical, women endure systematic emotional and psychological abuse, her abuser then denying the harmful behaviours, and begging for forgiveness, it is important to note that not all abusers seek forgiveness. Some women experience a honeymoon period before the cycle starts again. Importantly, the denial of the abuse causes many women to question their own judgement, to blame themselves, and to remain silent; deepening the cycle of abuse, leading to experiences of depression, PTSD, lowered self-esteem and self-harm.
Some of the phrases that too many women have heard include;
“I didn’t really push you”
“You’re crazy”
“Why are you so emotional?”
“Be rational. Stop acting crazy”
“You obviously can’t remember clearly. I didn’t shout at you”
“No one will believe a crazy woman like you”
“Everyone knows you are unstable”
“You’re just stressed out”
“You are making me act this way”
“I’m the only one that can help you”
The recent disclosure of Ruel Johnson’s toxic behaviour provides some clear examples of psychological and emotional abuse, examples which are not only provided by the survivors, but by Johnson’s own words. The constant references to his accusers’ mental state and well-being is hallmark manipulation. His efforts to discredit his accusers, while at the same time, framing the story as if he will hold himself accountable, not only gaslights the survivors, but is a manipulative attempt to gaslight the public.
Unfortunately, living in a toxic, patriarchal society like Guyana, members of the public are quick to lap up these types of insincere platitudes. Essentially, our society is more concerned about maintaining the reputation of men and giving men multiple chances, than offering protection and justice to women and girls.
I recognise the cognitive dissonance that this matter has created. For years, Ruel Johnson has carefully positioned himself as a man of principle, reason, enlighten intellect and accountability. He has quite publicly lent his voice and energies to calling out all sorts of abusers, so how can someone seemingly so principled, have these dirty skeletons in his closet? I would argue that nothing was really hidden in the closet, but people preferred to focus on the attributes that confirm an existing perception shaped by patriarchal norms.
Abusers are also careful to ensure their public lives paint a picture that keeps the abuse hidden. These men are not monsters waiting to pounce from a dark alleyway. They can be charismatic, helpful, and funny. For many women, they are further silenced, because they fear not being believed. How can you convince people that the guy that seems great, terrorises you behind closed doors? If we do not change how we perceive and address abuse (who gets abused and who perpetrates abuse), we will maintain a culture of violence that largely affects all women and girls.
Furthermore, we risk silencing survivors when a man accused of abuse, uses such accusations to further propel himself as righteous. There is something deeply perverse about our society if we allow a woman’s pain to be used as a road for redemption for the man that caused that pain.
Let us do better in recognising the harmful behaviours our society has come to normalise. Let us commit to breaking the cycles of dysfunction. We can start by lending our support to survivors. Women have not been silent really…we have not been listening enough. Let’s stop giving men that use toxic power, the continued platforms to maintain that power.
If you or someone you know is experiencing some form of violence, please see the following resources:
You can also contact your nearest police station or
Ministry of Social Protection: 640-1011, 225 4186
By Salima Hinds
